Dr. Roslin's 5 Secret Tips on Losing Weight

Being a general practitioner, I tend to have tips and advice for everything, there are many types of advice, safe ones, textbook ones, effective ones etc. I had to be creative with the limited resources that I had but most of all, my years and experience have taught me which advice works and which don't. There are many weight loss tips out there and I don't feel I need to repeat them, what I chose to share today are some secret tips that you might or might not have heard before. I'm not saying these tips are safe or guaranteed to work as each person is different.

1. Become a hermit, a recluse, try it for a month...do not meet your friends or family, do not go out to lunch/dinner, do not do your grocery shopping, spend quality time by yourself at home and just finish up whatever you have stocked in your larder or kitchen. "See no evil, eat no evil"

2. Stop cooking. Cooking equals passion for food. Stop the passion, stop trying to make your food taste better, it's all the cooking that's adding all the oil and nasty stuff. Eat fresh or dried fruits and vegetables, stop cooking, save energy and save the world. Okay, if you really have to cook, just roast or steam, do not add oil, do not add flavouring, do not add passion.

3. Develop a nasty bout of gastroenteritis or irritable bowel syndrome. Stuff yourself with all sorts of so called good food from kenduri, pasar malam, restaurant/cafe/gerai of questionable cleanliness and wait a few hours/days. If that doesn't work, try eating nasi lemak or soto ayam with generous helpings of the sambal. Purging will soon follow. You might even get some vomiting. Once infected, you have to go on a strict diet of ORS, isotonic drinks and porridge for a while. That sort of a diet will make anyone lose their appetite. Better yet, if you can't take the strict diet, follow your heart's desire, go on and take that nasi lemak you've been craving, that will in turn irritate and aggravate further your already inflammed bowel and probably give you another few days of purging.

4. Embrace your emotions, especially the stresses that you feel either from your work, relationships, life, or just watch your favourite soap opera (mine is Desperate Housewives and Gossip Girl by the way) and pretend that it's all happening to you. You can even start worrying about the ozone layer and global warming. Just embrace all the negative emotions, start worrying and stressing about everything and pretty soon you'll end up with a stress ulcer or better yet a duodenal ulcer. Duodenal ulcer will give you pain after eating, the pain itself will most probably deter you from eating. You also have to follow a strict diet which will also reduce your appetite further.

5. Have a broken heart. This one can go either way, some people stuff themselves when they're sad and some just lose their appetite completely. You must first ascertain which category do you belong to before proceeding further. This last advice is only to be taken as a last resort, when all other measures have failed and failed miserably. It is not without consequences and you have to be absolutely sure your heart can take it.

These secret tips have been revealed only because many of you have requested it, it is not without side effects, it is not without consequences, it maybe unsafe, but for those of you who are desperate...it might just work. Please consult with a doctor before attempting steps 3 & 4. Please consult your heart before attempting step 5. If anyone needs further assistance, you know where to find me.