Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Wormhole

I can't believe that it's been almost two years since my last post. Honestly, it felt as if it was yesterday. Have you ever felt that you were a character in a movie & you were caught on replay. While the whole world kept on moving...I was caught in a wormhole! I was stuck acting out the same scene, saying the same lines, arguing the same fights, crying the same tears, feeling the same grief....over & over & over again. I was stuck, no matter what I did, no matter what I changed....I was stuck in my very own wormhole, my very own nightmare & I wouldn't want to wish this even on my worst enemy. It was pure torture which left me bruised & broken. But, as I'm finally setting my foot firmly back on the ground, I knew that that wormhole changed my life, I would not be who I am today if it were not for the lessons I had so painfully learned over these last two years.

Sometimes I forget how much I have changed, but then.... once in a while I bump into an old friend or even a patient who hasn't seen me for a while...when I see that rather surprised or curious look on their face, I just smile in acknowledgement. Yes, I have to admit my life has taken a 180 degree turn & how I wish I had done it sooner. I am very grateful for my patients in Meru, all those years they came & greeted me with "Assalamulaikum" when all I had at the tip of my tongue was "Hi". Little did I knew then that each of their salam was more than just a greeting, it was also a du'a meant for me. Alhamdulillah, I feel truly blessed & extremely thankful for each and every salam, for each & every du'a. I have gained so much from my patients and if there's one thing I've learnt over this last two years is that they mean more to me than I first realised. They are my love, my passion, my strength & they are the source of my inspiration.

It took me two years to grow up. It took me two years of soul searching. It took me two years to right what was wrong. I can't believe it took so long! I studied, I read books, I went for courses...I was looking for answers, I was looking for a formula. What I found out was there is no magic formula, there is no quick fix-it. Learning to accept, learning to forgive, learning to let go of anger, learning about ego, learning to move on....there is no magic pill, I had to start from the very basics.

There were so many days when I felt as if I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I couldn't find my way out of this wormhole. There were times when I felt like giving up. But I didn't! Giving up is just not my style....and suddenly I found my answer in Ihsaan. And I'll write all about that in my next post. For now I'm just thrilled that I managed to get out of that wormhole....well, at least I think I have. I wish to stay clear of that hole as any wrong move might gravitate me back into that vicious hole. May Allah help me...amin.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Growing up is hard to do.

It's funny how at the age of 35, I've just realised this. I used to remember when we were young, we use to pretend that we were grown ups, we'd have everything the way we wanted and we would be happy. We used to think that the grown ups ruled the world and we wanted to grow up because we wanted things our way. We wanted to play whenever we want to, we wanted to stay up as late as we can, we wanted all the candy and toys that money can buy.

20-30 years down the road, we're pretty grown up I suppose. We buy all the toys that our money can buy, we buy the latest gadgets, mobile phones, pdas, laptops, cameras, camcorders etc because we have convinced ourselves that we simply cannot live without them. We buy the flashiest, fanciest car we could afford because driving is our greatest pleasure. We sleep as late as we can because we either have lots of paperwork to finish up or insomnia has become our best friend. We have decent well-paying jobs, we have all the toys that our money can buy and we sleep as late as we can. Are we all grown up? Are we all happy?

The older I get, the more I realise that I have a lot more of growing up to do. Growing up is life long journey of self discovery....sometimes we forget that, sometimes we forget to grow up. As long as we remember to grow up, then I think we'll be okay. I think as we grow up, we will realize that happiness doesn't come from all these toys we own or all the candies that we have. It's got to come from within and not from all these material and superficial things. As I watch my children grow up, I remind myself everyday that I too need growing up, I need to learn how to accept and I need to learn how to let go. I need to learn how to love and I need to learn how to forgive. Oh yes....growing up is hard to do.

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Secret To Saving My Sanity

Sometimes we get too caught up in our busy lives, our busy schedules....that we forget to breathe, we forget to feel, we forget to live!

I was once a Superwoman. This post is dedicated to all the Superwoman out there, I know what you're going through, I know what you're feeling, I know how tired you feel every morning, I know the anxiety that you feel just as you're about to start that mad morning rush..."I wonder what time I'll get to work today?" I know how you're rushing through your showers and meals just to gain those extra valuable minutes, I know how the red light at the traffic stop is when you put on your lipstick and actually have a glance at the mirror.

Lunch time is the only break you get during the day, and that's only if you're lucky enough to get a break. Most of the time, you're too tired to even eat, some of you might prefer a short power nap instead....need to recharge before the evening rush. The rush back home, the rush to your car, the rush out of the parking lot. You need to beat the queue, need to beat the jam because your little darlings are waiting.

By the time you get to see them, they give you the brightest, kindest of smiles....a few hugs and kisses and you're off again just like an Energizer bunny. You get the dinner done, get the dishes done, get the laundry done, get the homework done and maybe just maybe, you'll get another round of hugs & kisses just before they go off to bed. I know how bad your back hurts at the end of the day, I know how sometimes you just feel like crying.

I feel you...I know how unappreciated you feel sometimes but I also know why you do it. It is because of love but sometimes..... love just isn't enough. I'm telling you now, you are not alone...I'm here, we are all here. We appreciate and value everything that you do and we love you for it, even though we might not show it. Thank you from the very bottom of our hearts. Thank you because you're the queen of our hearts.

Some of us are luckier than others, some have Superman to help out once in a while. While for the rest of us, Superman is a just a myth, a mirage, a complete illusion.

Now I'm going to tell you my secret, how I survived working 60-80 hours a week while at the same time managed to bring up my two kids practically all by myself. I used to prepare the kids for school, bathed them in the morning, fed them, send and picked them up from school....I even thought them how to hold a pencil, I thought them their ABC's, I potty trained them. I also prepared the meals, washed the dishes, cleaned the house, cared for the parents and nephews and nieces while they're in town.

How did I save my sanity? I made sure I had some quality "ME" time. With just me, myself and I. It's just me and my thoughts, me and my friends, me and my writings. At the end of the day, no matter how tired I am, I made sure I reflected on what I did and how I felt the day went. How I could've probably saved some time doing things a different way. I also wrote about some of my pent up feelings, sometimes to an understanding friend, sometimes just to myself. I write about how I feel. I write about why I do helps me focus, it gives me strength, it keeps me happy. The secret to saving my sanity is writing.

If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad. ~Lord Byron

Friday, September 25, 2009

Life Is But An Illusion

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."~Albert Einstein

Have you ever felt like you're living a lie. That all that you know to be true is really just an illusion. It's as if you had just awaken from a dream, and you have a hard time differentiating what is real and what is not.

"We live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. The great task in life is to find reality."~Iris Murdoch

I think illusions are very important. Illusions are what keeps us sane. Illusions are visions of hope. Illusions are dreams. And just like dreams, illusions doesn't last forever, it ends and we wake up. What happens when we wake up to find reality staring back at us. What do we do then? Do we slowly pull up the covers and quietly snuggle in and hope we fall back into sleep, secretly wishing we could get back to that exquisitely beautiful and equally enchanting dream, or do we get up and start living in the real world. It may be difficult, it may not be a bed of roses, but at least it's real.

"Nothing is more sad than the death of an illusion."~Arthur Koestler

I just woke up. I had the most wonderful dream, the perfect illusion. But that was all it was, an illusion that I was naive enough to believe was true. I'm glad I woke up, I'm taking baby steps in this new world of reality, in search of the ultimate and eternal happiness. But you know what, I think I'll just hang on to the memory of my lost illusion just a little while longer.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

I Only Wish To Be Understood

It's only recently that I realised what my aunt and teachers knew all along....I want to be a writer, I am destined to be a writer. Why do I want to write? Why does anyone write? Someone once made me smile and said that I must be a Thespian at heart, that I must've been a poet in my past life. Is it because I want to make lots of money? Is it because I want to be popular? Is it because it makes me feel good? Is it because I want to teach? Is it because I want to change the world?

Perhaps it is simply because I wish to be understood. Most writers just want to be understood but as much as they want to be understood, they also intentionally wishes not to be understood. I must admit, I sometime speak in riddles. It might be completely incomprehensible to some, but it might just be understood by the selected few. Yes, most writers do it on purpose, some readers will understand and some readers won't. Some people enjoy poetry and some just don't get it at all. It is not easy, to write something so simple and yet have some cryptic message hidden in it for that special someone.

It is common knowledge that women generally don't say what they mean. When we say things like "It's okay, it doesn't matter" it really means that we're not okay and it does matter. "It's okay, you don't have to buy me a birthday gift" most of the time means that we want a birthday gift. And when we say "size doesn't matter, it's the thought that counts" you can bet we're lying through our teeth. Why do we do it? Why don't we say what we mean?

I don't want to get into the details of why women do it, but for a writer, it's just the way we are.
That is really where the fun is, it makes for a better read. Nothing keeps the interest of the readers like a little mystery. There are just some things better left as secrets. But believe me when I tell you, some secrets are just dying to come out. As for me, I just wish to be understood, those who really know me will understand and these are my true soulmates. When I lament about not being understood, is it really anyone's fault but my own. As for now, I will continue to speak in riddles and hope that some will understand. It is just the way I am.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Bad Boys

What is it about bad boys? Why do we time and time again, chose to ignore all logic, and hopelessly fall head over heels in love with the bad boy? Yes, you know the type....cocky, arrogant, selfish, always putting himself first, inattentive to a woman's needs, does whatever he wants whenever he wants (regardless what anyone else thinks), loose cannons, delinquents. And yet we cannot resist their untamed and overtly male masculinity. My favourite song at the moment is "Good Girls Go Bad" by Cobra Starship featuring Leighton Meester, I think the lyrics sums it up pretty well....

I know your type,
Boy, you're dangerous
Yeah, you're that guy (That guy) I'd be stupid to trust
But just one night couldn't be so wrong

You make me wanna lose control...

One of my favourite books of all time is "Gone With The Wind". To this day, I am still very much in love with Rhett Butler...and aren't we all? So what is it really about these bad boys? Some say it's because they're dangerous and cocky with their devilish grin, they're just exciting! Their overt masculinity is just oozing sexuality, it's a chemical thing, when our sex pheromones come into play, hmmm....well what else can I say. Some might even like the challenge of trying to break that icy cold shell that surrounds an equally cold and empty heart....yes, some of us really like a good challenge. Some are just drawn to a lost cause, a lost soul that needs to be saved. Some are simply intrigued by all the mystery and some are just simply attracted to the opposite. Why is it that in all the really good love stories and movies, the girl always leaves the clean-cut rich guy for the guy on the wrong side of the tracks? Have we been brainwashed by all these stories or are these stories a true reflection of reality?

Can we really save a lost soul? Can we really break that icy shell? Can we really read their poker face? Do they really have a heart? Can the bad boys really turn good or do the good girls go bad? When we find ourselves falling for a bad boy like Chuck Bass, can we really blame anyone else but ourselves for our broken heart?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"Drama Queen" Or Just Emotionally Honest?

I've always been a very emotional, very passionate person and it comes across in everything that I say or do. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm proud of it! I embrace all my emotions and I express them freely with my family, my friends and my patients. I think emotions are extremely important, it defines us, it guides us, it unites us, it is what makes us human. I'm not only emotional but I'm emotionally honest. I say what I feel and I feel what I say.

My life has been somewhat of a roller coaster lately, sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down. Some days I'm a complete emotional train wreck, some days I'm the life of the party. I believe my life is a drama unfolding, every scene has it's own emotions, it's own purpose and it's own moral value. I believe that there's something to be learned from everything and everyone....from all my experiences, from the people I've met, from the patients I've treated, from the places that I have been to. I think everyone and everything that is here in my drama of a life has a reason. Sometimes I feel I think too much, sometimes I think I feel too much. So am I a "Drama Queen" or am I just emotionally honest?

I'm currently taking some time off from work to pursue my ultimate passion....writing. It is not easy, everyday I have to explain to my patients why I need to do this. They tell me that they will miss me and I tell them I'm doing this not because I want to leave them. I need to take some time off in order to pursue my dream of becoming a writer because I want to be with them forever. That's the problem with me, I am extremely honest and my consultations end up being rather lengthy. But I suppose that is why my patients love me, they can always count on me to be completely honest. They're not only my patients, they're my friends. When they are sick or they have problems, be it medical or not, I'm always there listening and sometimes offering advice. It's emotionally draining but I wouldn't want to live my life any other way.

I guess what I'm trying to say in my typical long winded manner is, emotion is very important. Being able to feel is what makes us human. Being in touch with my emotions makes me a better person, a better doctor. It saddens me to see how society discourages emotional honesty.
We tell our children to say sorry when they didn't actually feel like saying it, we tell them to say thank you when in fact they did not feel thankful. We tell them...stop crying, stop complaining, stop being melodramatic.....we tell our children to stop feeling. We rarely stop to listen to their feelings. We tell them to just accept certain things, do not question, do not feel, c'est la vie.

I'm genuinely worried that our children will grow up emotionally challenged. I'm especially concerned about our boys who are being emotionally crippled by our society. Is it really true that men are from mars and women are from venus or are we simply a product of our environment?

I believe emotions are extremely important. You have to be emotionally aware in order to be happy. You have to be emotionally aware to be emotionally honest. You have to be emotionally honest if you want self acceptance and self love. I would rather be called a Drama Queen than an Ice Queen anyday. How about you?