I can't believe that it's been almost two years since my last post. Honestly, it felt as if it was yesterday. Have you ever felt that you were a character in a movie & you were caught on replay. While the whole world kept on moving...I was caught in a wormhole! I was stuck acting out the same scene, saying the same lines, arguing the same fights, crying the same tears, feeling the same grief....over & over & over again. I was stuck, no matter what I did, no matter what I changed....I was stuck in my very own wormhole, my very own nightmare & I wouldn't want to wish this even on my worst enemy. It was pure torture which left me bruised & broken. But, as I'm finally setting my foot firmly back on the ground, I knew that that wormhole changed my life, I would not be who I am today if it were not for the lessons I had so painfully learned over these last two years.
Sometimes I forget how much I have changed, but then.... once in a while I bump into an old friend or even a patient who hasn't seen me for a while...when I see that rather surprised or curious look on their face, I just smile in acknowledgement. Yes, I have to admit my life has taken a 180 degree turn & how I wish I had done it sooner. I am very grateful for my patients in Meru, all those years they came & greeted me with "Assalamulaikum" when all I had at the tip of my tongue was "Hi". Little did I knew then that each of their salam was more than just a greeting, it was also a du'a meant for me. Alhamdulillah, I feel truly blessed & extremely thankful for each and every salam, for each & every du'a. I have gained so much from my patients and if there's one thing I've learnt over this last two years is that they mean more to me than I first realised. They are my love, my passion, my strength & they are the source of my inspiration.
It took me two years to grow up. It took me two years of soul searching. It took me two years to right what was wrong. I can't believe it took so long! I studied, I read books, I went for courses...I was looking for answers, I was looking for a formula. What I found out was there is no magic formula, there is no quick fix-it. Learning to accept, learning to forgive, learning to let go of anger, learning about ego, learning to move on....there is no magic pill, I had to start from the very basics.
There were so many days when I felt as if I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I couldn't find my way out of this wormhole. There were times when I felt like giving up. But I didn't! Giving up is just not my style....and suddenly I found my answer in Ihsaan. And I'll write all about that in my next post. For now I'm just thrilled that I managed to get out of that wormhole....well, at least I think I have. I wish to stay clear of that hole as any wrong move might gravitate me back into that vicious hole. May Allah help me...amin.
